We had barely settled down for breakfast at my regular all-day breakfast spot when my friend started.
“JB, I am tired of the young men and women of today.”
“My brother, you are a lawyer,” I responded. “You should know better than to generalize. I know many responsible young people and quite a number of older people who could do with some serious retraining. And I don’t even know what your complaint is yet.”
Before he could respond, GT, one of the servers, arrived to take our orders.
“The usual, JB?” she asked.
GT is a pleasant woman in her 50s. Give her an opportunity, especially when the restaurant is not busy, and she will happily update you on her life — sometimes including episodes from previous seasons that you have already watched.
“Yes, GT. But just two egg whites today, and extra avocado.”
“And green tea, of course,” she added with the confidence of someone who knew there was really no need to ask.
“Of course.”
She turned to HY, my good friend and colleague.
“Give me the opposite of whatever he ordered,” HY announced. “Three fried eggs, fried potatoes, bacon, sausages and coffee.”
He smiled as though he had just successfully argued a case before the Supreme Court.
“May the good Lord deliver you,” I told him.
“Amen,” he replied without the slightest intention of repenting.
GT walked away.
HY returned immediately to his complaint.
“JB, don’t give me that political lecture today o. I am concerned about the behaviour of some of our young people. Granted, some older people are no different, but I see this behaviour increasingly among many young people I know.
“I know parents who spend their life savings on their children, yet those children hardly pick up the phone to check on them. I see uncles, aunties, family friends, mentors and others going out of their way to support younger people — with money, connections, advice, time and opportunities — and sometimes all they get in return is a text message. Sometimes, not even that.”
I decided to play devil’s advocate.
“The young are also busy navigating life — school, work, careers, relationships, bills and social pressures. Some are dealing with depression, anxiety and challenges we may know nothing about.”
“I understand that,” HY replied. “And I acknowledge it. But are older people not dealing with life too? Medical issues. Professional pressures. Financial problems. Relationships. Family responsibilities. Children. Ageing parents. Some of us have gone through enough life problems to qualify for multiple PhDs if universities awarded degrees for surviving wahala.”
I laughed.
“Give me a break, bro,” he continued.
Just then, GT brought me a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.
“Give me Coke, please,” HY told her.
I looked at him.
“HY, take it easy. Try to eat healthy.”
“After this one, JB. After today.”
I had heard “after today” enough times to know that tomorrow was in no danger of arriving.
He continued.
“My son introduced his university roommate to me some months ago. The young man seemed pleasant. Whenever I visited, he would greet me respectfully. He had even stayed at our house a few times with my son. I wasn’t particularly close to him, but he seemed like a decent young man.
“Recently, my son told me that his friend had serious financial problems and might have to stop attending school. He asked whether I could help.
“I didn’t think twice about it. I said yes.
“I called the young man myself, asked him what the problem was and requested the school’s payment details. He provided them and thanked me. The following day, I made the payment. I told my son to let him know that it had been taken care of. My son thanked me.
“A week passed.
“Nothing from the young man.
“I became curious and called my son. I asked whether he had told his friend that I had paid the money.
“He said, ‘Of course, Dad. I told him the same day. In fact, he has already been allowed back into classes.’
“Then my son asked, ‘He didn’t call you?’
“I said no.
“My son said he would speak to him.
“I told him not to.”
Two days later, HY said, he received a text message from the young man thanking him for the assistance and apologizing for not messaging earlier.
By then, our food had arrived.
It looked good. Very good.
I was carefully deciding where to begin my attack when HY continued.
“He didn’t call me, JB. He texted me. I called him when I wanted to help solve his problem.
“With some people,” I said, “texting is as good as calling these days. Some adults even prefer texts. He may still have been genuinely grateful.”
HY looked at me as though I had just committed professional misconduct.
“No, JB. A text and a call are two different things in my book. Yes, there are times when texting is appropriate. There are even times when texting is preferable. But there are also times when you pick up your phone and call somebody. Don’t excuse that nonsense for me.”
“I am not excusing it,” I said, taking another bite of my food. “I am simply trying to make you see the other side.”
“Bro, the world has changed, I know. Technology has changed the way we communicate. But if we are not careful, convenience will slowly replace connection.
“One day, parents will grow old and discover that their relationships with their children have been reduced to WhatsApp messages and emojis.
“‘Good morning, Dad.
“Thumbs up.
“‘Hope you are okay, Mum.’
“Heart emoji.
“Meanwhile, nobody has heard Mum’s voice in two weeks.”
That one made me stop eating for a moment.
HY continued.
“When you hear someone’s voice, you sometimes hear what the text does not tell you. You can hear excitement. You can hear sadness. You can hear tiredness. You can hear fear. Sometimes a person says, ‘I am fine,’ but the voice tells you immediately that the person is anything but fine.
“A phone call says, ‘For these few minutes, you have my attention.’
“A text can be thoughtful and meaningful, absolutely. But sometimes a text is simply too easy for the weight of the moment.”
I nodded.
“I get your point. I hope you told the young man how you felt.”
“I did.”
“What did you say?”
“I sent him a text.”
I nearly dropped my fork.
“You sent him a text to complain that he sent you a text?”
We both burst out laughing.
“Yes,” he said. “I wanted to speak his language first. I told him that, personally, I considered his response inadequate and that I wanted him to pick up his phone and call me.”
“And did he?”
“He did.
“And I calmly explained myself. I told him that our actions — and sometimes our inactions — can affect how people perceive us and even how far we go in life.
“I told him that gratitude should not become mechanical. When somebody sacrifices significantly for you, don’t treat the gesture casually. Acknowledge it. Let the person know that you understand that what they did for you was not an entitlement.
“I also told him that relationships need nurturing. You don’t call people only when you need school fees, a job reference, an introduction, a loan or help with immigration. Sometimes, call because there is absolutely nothing you want.
“Call to say thank you.
“Call to say congratulations.
“Call to say I heard you haven’t been well.
“Call to say I was thinking about you.
“Call your parents.
“Call your siblings.
“Call that uncle or aunt who stood by you.
“Call your mentor occasionally when you don’t need a favour.
“Call that old friend whose friendship you have reduced to liking each other’s pictures on social media.
“And when someone has gone significantly out of their way for you, don’t always hide behind a text. Sometimes, pick up the phone and call.”
“How did he take it?” I asked.
“Very well. He apologized. He said nobody had ever explained it to him that way. He thanked me for correcting him and promised to do better.”
That, for me, became the most important part of HY’s story.
The young man did not become defensive.
He did not say, “But I already sent you a message.”
He did not say, “That’s your generation.”
He did not go on social media to write about “toxic African elders demanding gratitude.”
He listened.
He reflected.
He accepted correction.
And hopefully, he learned.
There is also a lesson for those of us who are older.
Every difference in behaviour is not necessarily disrespect. Communication has changed. Younger generations have grown up in a world of texts, DMs, voice notes, emojis and instant messaging. What an older person interprets as coldness may simply be normal communication to a younger person.
So we should not always rush to condemn.
Sometimes, explain.
Teach.
Correct with kindness.
And young people, too, should understand that modernization does not make the old virtues obsolete.
Gratitude is still important.
Courtesy is still important.
Relationships are still important.
Checking on people is still important.
And no matter how sophisticated technology becomes, the human voice still carries something that an emoji cannot.
There is a time to text.
There is a time to send a voice note.
There is a time to drop an emoji.
And there is a time to pick up your phone and call.
I looked across the table at HY. His fried eggs, bacon, sausages and potatoes were rapidly disappearing.
“I am glad you corrected the young man,” I told him, smiling. “And I am glad he was humble enough to accept correction. Hopefully, you too will learn to accept correction and start eating healthier.”
HY looked down at what remained of his breakfast and then at my egg whites and avocado.
“JB, everybody has his own area of weakness.”
We laughed.
And, as often happens when two or three Nigerians are gathered together, we moved on to the next unavoidable item on the agenda:
Nigeria.
That discussion required something stronger than green tea.
Johnson Babalola is a Toronto, Canada lawyer
Email: jblawyer2021@gmail.com
@jbdlaw
@jbandthings
@jblawpro
@jblifecompass